We European American's are a strange bunch: we have given ourselves and our bodies over to a full disclosure in the name of medical and scientific knowledge while trying to maintain the privacy of our bodies, often pretending in public that our bodies are not the matter they are. We also often have weak and underdeveloped stomachs, so that India is forcing many of us to give up this dream of bodily privacy. In the spirit of our new found intimacy and embodied publicness, and in the service of science, here is a brief attempt at a classification, in descending order of severity:
1) Churning: a condition that follows from eating something that "doesn't quite sit right," usually producing mild levels of discomfort to the self and extreme levels of discomfort to others from the gas that accompanies the churning. Considered to be a more active form of bloated.
2) Diarrhea: the one, or at most two, -time effect of eating something that you shouldn't. Does not require medical or pharmaceutical intervention.
3) The Loosies: an extended case of diarrhea. Can be symptomatic of a more serious problem, such that it is more properly classified as a case of the amoebas.
4) Peeing out your butt: the most scientifically accurate of all classifications, as this condition perfectly matches its name. More research is needed to determine whether POYB is a geographically isolated condition or is encountered globally.
5) The Amoebas: a not-always scientifically accurate designation for cases of long-term Loosies caused by amoebic or viral infection. Requires medical or pharmaceutical intervention.
6) The Double Chutes (alt. Double Shoots): in this condition the body is so desperate to expel everything from inside itself that it uses all available means of evacuation at once. Often accompanied by severe discomfort and flu-like symptoms.
1) Churning: a condition that follows from eating something that "doesn't quite sit right," usually producing mild levels of discomfort to the self and extreme levels of discomfort to others from the gas that accompanies the churning. Considered to be a more active form of bloated.
2) Diarrhea: the one, or at most two, -time effect of eating something that you shouldn't. Does not require medical or pharmaceutical intervention.
3) The Loosies: an extended case of diarrhea. Can be symptomatic of a more serious problem, such that it is more properly classified as a case of the amoebas.
4) Peeing out your butt: the most scientifically accurate of all classifications, as this condition perfectly matches its name. More research is needed to determine whether POYB is a geographically isolated condition or is encountered globally.
5) The Amoebas: a not-always scientifically accurate designation for cases of long-term Loosies caused by amoebic or viral infection. Requires medical or pharmaceutical intervention.
6) The Double Chutes (alt. Double Shoots): in this condition the body is so desperate to expel everything from inside itself that it uses all available means of evacuation at once. Often accompanied by severe discomfort and flu-like symptoms.
Oh my gosh, I cannot even express to you how hard this made me laugh. I read it aloud to my writing group, which is on retreat today. HILARIOUS. And I hope you're feeling better.
ReplyDeleteHehe! Always glad to brighten your day :-)
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